Worthiness, scarcity, and feeling like enough...oh my
"When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible." - Brene Brown
Let's tackle these together, shall we? Because they are not meant to be tackled alone - this is how shame is created and shame is sticky and messy. Shame can not survive being shared or talked about - but the hard thing is, no one really wants to talk about worthiness, scarcity, or feeling like enough because they are not the most fun topics like puppies or ice cream.
Worthiness, scarcity, and feeling like enough
Not feeling like enough is rooted in having a scarcity mindset. Scarcity looks like...
- Not enough money
- Not enough love
- Not enough education
- Always prepare for the worse
- Surprised when things turn out well
- Keep yourself from really reaching your goals
- Settle for a version of what you want and not the whole thing
Scarcity is a feeling that nothing is ever enough or that you're not going to quite reach what you want. It's accomplishing your weight loss goal and a week later wanting an even better goal. It's reading your Facebook updates and feeling like your life pales in comparison to other's highlights. But really, scarcity is not feeling like enough. Period. Where it shows up is circumstantial. It's not a fear of not having enough money or enough love - it's a fear that you're not enough.
In the midst of all the transition I'm currently within I reached out to a great friend and fellow coach. I told him I was having a hard time feeling worthy in the midst of re-arranging my finances and where I was contributing enough to quantify the life I have...he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Regardless of contribution, you are worthy. No matter what, you are worthy just the way you are." He was very serious so I smiled and nodded but then it got me thinking - wait a sec, yeah! I am worthy no matter what. We all are because we exist.
The problem is when you attach worthiness to action, contribution, love, how much money you make, how you provide for others, or how much you weigh. What's the way out of the scarcity/worthiness dance? Let go.
I know, you were hoping for something far more enlightening than that, but it's some of the most sound advice I can offer. Let go.
Let go of the need more more and you will see that you are enough, already. Then from that place you can get busy working on the self without attachment to outcome but to the effort alone. I recognize that letting go is actually quite difficult. If it were simple you could let go right now and have no need for any more information. But that's just not the case, is it?
Letting go is hard for several reasons. Here are a few that I see over and over and struggle with myself -
- You're attached to your ways, even when they don't work
- Although not feeling like enough is not serving you, you know how to act within that framework
- Letting go is more risky than not letting go
- Letting go means challenging your choices
- You don't have a good idea of what comes on the other side of letting go
- Letting go feels like surrender, and you're a fighter
- Scarcity mindset is protecting you from failing and getting hurt
It's ok that you can't just let go because we don't just do anything. We're really good as human beings at keeping our comfort zones tied in knots around us because it's safe and predictable. Letting go is a practice, which is why I love The Gifts of Imperfection as much as I do - because Brene gives guidance through letting go. You may read my series I did based on this book and journal through letting go with the prompts I provide at the end of each guidepost synopsis. Just know this - you are enough, because you are.