The day I said "yes" to myself
I had a spiritual awakening on January 8, 2014. A day that changed the whole course of my life but at the time it felt like an unraveling. It felt like something I wanted nothing more than to deny and hide.
And I did. I hid it from almost everyone for almost two years.
Having a "spiritual awakening" sounds all good and fun but for me it threatened everything I knew to be true. I grew up an atheist and ironically a devout one at that. Logic was the name of the game and we prided ourselves on sitting around the dinner table and "discussing" (a.k.a. arguing) about philosophy, politics, science, feminism, education, and anything but god.
When it felt like Source/God/Universe cracked me open on that January day, I was a lot confused. Questions began to pour out of my pen which I had never contemplated or given much thought to. Questions like, “What is consciousness? Are we infinite?”
I would spend the next two years in search of answers. What happened to me? What did I miss? Where do I come from? Why am I here? Is there a God? What is Source? How do I feel about religion? What is spirituality? What are the mystics telling us? What is my role in all of this?
I read every text I could get my hands on. I asked teachers, leaders, healers, intuitives, and mentors these questions. I wrote hundreds of pages in my journal. And slowly the answers began to flood from me. I knew what I believed…but I was terrified to say it.
So I hid.
I thought if I hid it two things would happen.
1) It could be my secret little hobby and no one needed to be the wiser.
2) Like all great hobbies it would lose its luster and I could "go back" to being me.
Well, it turns out you don't have a profound spiritual awakening and then just return to "normal" life. **Insert eye roll emoji**
I was different whether I was willing to admit it or not. Or was I?
The truth was, this wasn't new. I wasn't simply "waking up" so much as I was remembering who I was. I've always been intuitive and tapped into things I can't see but know to be true. We live in a world where these things, which at one time were celebrated culturally, are questioned and criticized for their lack of "truth" and validity.
I shared with my father recently how I see the world. We were comparing world lens notes and he sees the world very rationally. The left side of his brain is physically bigger than his right. No, really. You can feel it pressing against his skull.
I shared with him that while I "get" the world rationally I see it through a very emotional lens. That when I walk around in the world I don't just see the world, I feel it. I feel all of it. Sometimes I can't tell which is mine and which is not mine because it just all melts together. One big emotional soup.
If I spend too much time in a hospital, large shopping mall, or in a large crowd I get physically sick. Sometimes just depressed or anxious. My favorite bookstore is as big as a city block and four stories. It's one of my favorite places to spend an afternoon but sometimes it makes me nauseous and queasy within minutes.
Upon sharing this, my father said to me, "That sounds awful." To which I sort of chuckled.
I don't know any different but is it awful? I had to sit with that comment for a moment. And I came to this conclusion...
It isn't awful. In fact, it's wonderful.
To feel the world isn't always easy or convenient but it's a gift. Emotions are the texture to our life. They give our life meaning and make our stories worth recounting. They tell us who and what is important to us. Even anger points the way to what's important in as powerful a way as sadness or joy.
I’ve known since that January day that I am meant to be a spiritual leader and teacher, a healer and a guide. I am meant to use my intuitive gifts to hold space for others and help them heal and live their purpose. To gift the generosity of space to listen to your heart and hear your own intuition.
But it took me until November 2015 to admit it. I was scared that I shared my new found beliefs and the depth of my intuition I would be pushed out of the tribe. I didn't know which tribe just "the" tribe. I thought I would risk belonging in a world where I already barely felt like I fit in.
It took me almost two years to even write this sentence let alone make it public...
"I was sent here by Source (God, Universe, I Am, One) to help the world wake up from within. To remember that we are one, we are love, and we are incredible beings. To help you awaken your life from the inside out."
When I first wrote this with the intent of putting it on my "about" page on my website I think I wrote it cringed with one eye open as if I was about to witness my own train wreck.
I remember I called my big brother to like, you know, warn him that it may appear as though I'd gone crazy. I wanted to reassure him (and me) that I was perfectly sane...I think.
But that hiding this was no longer an option.
Do you ever feel this way? That at some point it's simply too exhausting and painful to deny who you are to yourself and the world? I tell you though, telling my family I was marrying a woman was easier than this.
Answering our call can feel like life or death. And in truth, it's a kind of death. It's the death of who we thought we were, of the ideals that carried us this far, and of the things we used to believe to be true.
In order to experience a spiritual rebirth, you have to let go. I had to let go. And risk the leap.
In November 2015 I published my new about page.
Sometimes when I get scared or feel "too" seen I want to delete it and replace it was a more convenient biography. A simple list of my accomplishments is anything but vulnerable.
But I can't.
Because it wouldn't just be deleting an about page. It would be me denying who I am to myself. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. And yet I know with my entire being that I am finally home.