My secret wish for you
As many of you know, I lost both of my parents just 7 months apart between last fall and this spring. While I've been working with clients, teaching Awaken Your Practice, on retreat with my Awaken Your Life students, or writing for this space I have also been in a very personal introspective bubble that is filled with a combination of deep grief and total gratitude.
Deep grief for what was and total gratitude for what remains.
If this year has taught me anything it's that I am resilient, yes, but I am also deeply supported and loved.
Supporting someone who is grieving isn't easy. The waves are big and unpredictable. But, among it all, I've had some of the richest conversations of my life with those near and far. My wife, my family, my best friends, and also my community and my readers.
Most days I feel like I am just this girl in a small pocket of the world doing her best to add something of value and meaning to our collective life.
But, aren't we all attempting this in some way? We are each just one person in a small pocket of the planet doing what we can to come alive in this lifetime.
After experiencing the events in my life this year, I thought it would be the final tipping point and I would finally hand the last bit of my hope over to wherever it comes from.
I am not the only one for whom the past few years have us questioning some things. Policies and politics, equal rights and systemic injustices, women's voices and being really heard . . . I wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to wave the white flag.
But, surrendering to our own cynicism is often an attempt to get out of letting ourselves feel how crazy vulnerable it is to hold onto hope despite massive evidence to the contrary. Cynicism is easy. But it also tricks us into thinking attempting to "do something" is a lost cause. And I've been there...
Last year, I turned my back on my purpose. OK, that sounds a bit dramatic, but looking back it's how I feel about it. I feel like I got ahead of myself and tried to steer the ship. But what happened was the ocean dried up. Metaphorically speaking :)
I took space because I needed it and truthfully because I wanted it. But I didn't account for the world going on without me. And it will. The world will keep turning and evolving because that's what it does.
If you aren't heeding your call, someone else will. It isn't because you don't deserve it or because you aren't "the one"; it's because we are our calling's stewards. And if you stop listening it moves on to the next steward.
Your calling has insight, creativity and a soul all its own. Sometimes I think my calling is simply using me because it is! Well, I took space and also turned off my call button. I stopped being the work.
And what happened next honestly surprised me: I got bored. Like, really bored.
I could feel myself on the outside looking in and it didn't feel so good. My momentum stopped because I stopped stoking the fire. I stopped showing up in the way I know I can.
But in the moment it just felt like a funk, and I thought maybe I was just reacting to something. It never occurred to me that the universe really is following my lead...
It's following yours, too.
When I was finally ready to admit that I was done sitting on the sidelines I ate whole humble pies, washed them down, and called my mentors. Yes, plural.
One reminded me that we all need a pause even in the midst of the big game of our life to get reconnected to our mission and restore the energy to make it happen.
The second reminded me that I was too good to sit on the sidelines but that I also can't confuse conviction with importance.
And then I cried. A lot. And kept crying for weeks. And it felt so freakin' good.
I cried about losing my purpose, about getting too full of myself, about being bored. I even cried about thinking I had it all figured out. What I did was release. Release. Release. And I remembered this potent truth that gets me out of bed every single morning. My secret wish for you and all people:
I believe in people. I wholeheartedly believe in their ability to do good, love, and heal. I have a deep belief in the spiritual potential of humanity and I won't quit until every single human being inherently understands their true value and worth.
Something tells me you feel the same way. In your own words, what gets you out of bed in the morning? What keeps you going when you have the question of, "What the f*$k am I doing?" buzzing around in your head?
If you need to pull over once in awhile and take a little rest, do. Maybe everything won't stop like it did for me, or maybe you'll reconnect to the deeper truth of why you risk yourself spiritually to fight for your vision.
It isn't even about the world needing you. It's about YOU needing you and it's about YOU coming fully alive. I believe that for everyone this is the real mission. The rest is merely details.
When you do connect with your vision, stoke your conviction, worship your belief in what's possible, and keep going . . . well I guess we'll find out, won't we?